We have all been there. You see a trailer, tell a few friends, and, before you know it, you are in line paying ten dollars for a ticket and another twenty for a medium coke, a large popcorn, and a box of Goobers. Two hours later, the coke is gone, the popcorn bucket is empty, the Goobers have melted, and you are wondering how anyone could derive such a delightful trailer from such an awful movie. You have just been burned by yet another bad movie! This is where my blog begins. Think of it as sunscreen when you are going to the beach. SPF Eighty Five provides you with essential protection from bad movies in the form of honest and accurate movie reviews. My reviews have two purposes. The first is to share my opinion with all of you. The second is to describe the movie so that you can decide for yourself whether you want to see it or not. My opinion will probably differ from yours many times, but I simply hope to provide you with the knowledge necessary to arm yourself when heading into your local cinema.
In order to ensure that you get the maximum benefit possible from this blog, you will need to know how I will be doing things in the future. As all of you know, new movies arrive each and every Friday. Most critics have their reviews published the day the movies are released but, as I am a freelance critic lacking access to advanced showings or screener copies, this is simply not possible. Instead, I will be reviewing movies the week after they are first released. For limited releases, I will most likely not get the chance to review them during their initial theatrical run. Instead, I will provide a notice detailing what limited releases I will be covering at a later date and will then review them as soon as possible in the form of a Special Review. From time to time, I will be also reviewing films that are either straight-to-video or made-for-television. Again, I will review these the Friday after they are first released or shown.
Each review will be accompanied with a star rating. For the purposes of this blog, I will be using the tried-and-true four star scale, simply because it is the one favored by most mainstream critics (including Roger Ebert and many others). I also believe that it is perhaps the easiest one to use and understand. Still, a brief explanation of exactly how I will be using the scale is necessary. Films that are awarded star ratings of four (4), three and a half (3.5), three (3), two and a half (2.5), or two (2) are recommended. Films that are awarded star ratings of one and a half (1.5), one (1), one half (0.5), or zero (0) are not recommended. Now, many people only look at the star ratings when reading a review, but I urge you not to do this. This rating solely reflects my opinion, but my actual written review will accurately describe the film. Again, you may not enjoy the same movies I enjoy; my reviews will examine exactly what the film has to offer and may encourage you to see it, even if I did not necessarily like the movie.
In addition to my regularly scheduled set of reviews, this blog will also be home to The Essential Cinema Club. This will be an exclusive club honoring only the best of cinema. Additions to this club will not appear weekly and there may be long gaps between additions to the club. This is because I will be taking this quite seriously and I do not want to feel as though I have got to choose a film rashly in order to meet a deadline. Movies inducted into this club will not be awarded a star rating, because they should so wonderful that they transcend the trappings of my scale. Also, in order to become a member, a film must have been released at least two years prior to being inducted. I believe that all of these exciting and useful aspects of SPF Eighty Five will make it your ultimate protection from bad movies. Never get burned by another Uwe Boll film again. Stop by here first to find out which films you should see and which ones you should skip.
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